:: over-sensitivity is the dumbest thing ::

anne of green gables and all its sequels have always had a soft spot in my heart. to be pride-squashingly honest, I think it might be that I like imagining myself as anne, and, you know. being beautiful and well-liked and having everything work out and marrying some adorable, adoring guy while all my enemies look on jealously, and, you know.

you know too much, then.

anyway, something that has driven me nuts thinking about it over the past few weeks is one particular quote of rebecca dew's. I used to like rebecca dew; I still do, when I'm reading the book. but this bugs me partially because of what it says about me (and I'll get to that in a minute). 

so rebecca dew says, "'but if we were all beauties, who would do the work?'" -- "rather wistfully", I'll admit, but it's still philosophical and irritating. when I first read it, I thought it slightly humorous, in-character, and endearing. the more I think about it, the more I realize I'm over-sensitive and stupid. 

    I plow ahead anyway.

    it bothers me because, 1: how convenient for the un-beautiful to recognize their proper place in the world, accept it, and not burden the beautiful with their petty wishes to be better people (obviously not an option, since their faces just aren't as pleasant to look at). we're supposed to like rebecca dew for this. what, is she an example to the rest of us? guys, if you're not beautiful, be like rebecca dew and let the beautiful people have a chance to be all fake-humble while really on the inside being thankful they don't look like you. 

    2: I feel like I'm anne all through the book, so I'm everything anne is -- or, everything I'm not. reading this brings me crashing back down to reality and HEY PRESTO, it's me! the ordinary! the one for work, apparently. UGH.

I understand that's not what l. m. montgomery was (probably) trying to say, and that I have baggage (ha, just how much baggage you never quite realized!). the thing is, I don't think I'm pretty; I think I'm average, at best. ordinary. plain. I hate that this quote makes me feel at first all patronizing and, "oh, you're not so bad!" just because I of course have it so much better. and I hate that then I feel all awful that I'll never be the one someone looks at and wishes to be. 

…did that last sentence make any sense at all?

neither side works for me. I don't want to be the beautiful, looked-wistfully-up-to, but I don't want to be the wistful looker-upper, either. (IRONY: I'M A HYPOCRITE. of course I want to be wistfully admired! what I don't want is the patronizing attitude that I immediately feel upon reading this quote. and I really am a wistful looker-upper. which I dislike. because I want to be looked up to -- and we're roight back wheh we stahted! do you feel me, here?)

the anne series is kind of like meth for me. real life hurts when viewed through a WWAD lens -- even when merely contrasted with the anne life. it hurts so badly that the only way to escape is to go into the anne world and forget about real life for a while. 

    and you have to take more and more. and you hallucinate, and your friends leave you, and you commit crimes to keep up your habit and you starve to death focusing on your addiction and it's horrible so STOP READING ANNE BOOKS!!!!! 

I'm afraid my little comparison got slightly muddled somewhere in there. probably I'm just not beautiful enough for things to go smoothly. right.