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30 July 2014

:: roanoke - or, what really happened at OBX ::

for a very long time, I've been utterly fascinated by the lost colony of roanoke. where did they go? how? why?
   I've never known many details: at the most basic, that 115 people landed at roanoke in 1587 to start a colony. three years later, a supply ship from england arrived… to find no people, no houses -- nor any sign of distress. on a tree was carved one word: "croatoan" -- the name of a nearby island. but by the time any englishman made it to that island, there were no settlers. faint rumors were spread some years after about gray-eyed, pale indians, but many miles inland where the settlers had no plans to go; and no one ever heard from these lost colonists again.
   so what happened?

  at barnes & noble a few weeks ago, I saw a book called roanoke: solving the mystery of the lost colony, and was so intrigued that I bought it to read on the plane home (it was a west coast b&n, incidentally). and I read it.
   hm.

  the author -- historian lee miller -- brought an interesting perspective to the table: her theory is that the going-missing of the colonists was just a part of a smear campaign directed at sir walter ralegh (the one who backed the settlement plan). she suggests that rather than just the accidental, coincidental loss of a colony, this was an intentional move on someone's part back in england, who wanted to make sure none of the colonists survived. this is not the case of difficult communication between america and england back then, she postulates; this is a case of premeditated murder. ultimately, ms. miller suggests that, caught up in swirling hostilities between the nearby indian tribes, the weakened settlers were captured (as was planned by the powers that be) -- the men killed, the women and children sold as slaves, eventually so intermingled with the indians that no trace of the english remained.
   interesting, no?
   but far-fetched. that's what I thought at first. however, ms. miller mixes quite a few excerpts from original documents (they make up a good 50% of the book) and detailed dissections of politics -- both in elizabeth's court as well as among the surrounding indian tribes.
   if the colonists were not just your typical group, but instead a political and religious minority who used this opportunity to flee persecution; if the failure of this settlement could be worked against ralegh's character by appearing utterly funded by self-interest; if these 115 people could be erased by surrounding, hostile indian tribes, hiding the real culprit whose responsibility could be easily disclaimed; if a double agent managed to land the colonists -- not where they were supposed to be placed, but -- on a terribly situated island called roanoke, miles away from where it would be said they had settled, to reduce any chance of being located by supply ships…her theory is at least possible. she rather won me over.
 
   that is, if I understand correctly what ms. miller was trying to say: I have never read such terrible prose in a published book. it was ungainly, confusing, and terribly punctuated.
London is a very old, walled city. So old, in fact, that in the sixteenth century Roman artifacts and ruins are frequently unearthed layers below the current street levels -- much to everyone's amazement. Mute testimony to the strata of human life long sustained here by the Thames. Along the southern edge of the city the river charts a smooth course, gliding past the Tower, the wharves, the ruins of Baynard's Castle, the ancient monastery of Blackfriars by the western wall. Sweeping everything in. A history steeped in water.
   how did that get past the editor?? it was a lot of cruddy writing to wade through. so I think I know what her conclusion was, but I can't be sure -- it gets a little convoluted.
   part of ms. miller's trouble was trying to add drama to the narrative (I think was her intention?) by putting her words, her slightly fictionalized narrative* in present tense. unfortunately, every old document she quotes is written in past tense, making for very choppy reading. unnecessarily, too, because I feel like the suspense and drama the author was shooting for could have been much more easily attained by past-tense storytelling.

   provided that I understood her conclusion, ms. miller did a fine job persuading me. I can accept this conspiracy-theory-meets-warring-tribes theory -- if only to feel some closure on the lost colony question.
 
language, scale of mild to spicy: mild.
book hangover: approximately 30 minutes.

*by "slightly fictionalized narrative", I mean she adds some little scenes that maybe didn't happen: captain john white (real dude) watching roanoke fade into the distance, waving goodbye to his daughter (also real) on the shore (yes, she was left, with her husband and infant). …but did he really wave? that's what she 'slightly fictionalizes'. 

24 July 2014

:: calligraphy ::

compulsive over-sharer, right here!


it's disappointing to see what I do in reality, when the picture in my head is so much better, but I'm happy to say that I love doing it, even if I'm not stellar yet :)

also, I don't speak french, but I love this poem.


p. s. my hand is exhausted.

22 July 2014

:: so many things ::

there's this girl.

she's an art student. at risd. she's from basically the nation's hipster capital (aka seattle), loves tea, and makes beautiful things.

it's like looking at what I could have been.

this hit me yesterday, this weird feeling of I'm-looking-at-me-in-another-life and I'm-so-wistful-thinking-about-what-I-could-have-had and plain, ugly jealously. that's so exactly what I wanted. and I realized, a split second into this ugly feeling, I am totally forgetting what I already have. (it's like when dad brought the rider mower home and we were like, YAY NO MORE PUSH MOWING. and the next day, I was all grumbly while riding, thinking, "dude, why can't it have a zero turn-radius?")

hello, stupid. you have been given so much. you're happy with what you have. don't spoil it by looking at all the things you don't, because seriously, there will always be something.

I'm making a list of all the things I'm thankful for, right now. little things; not exhaustive, not in order of importance, just little wow, and I've got this realizations.

just thinking about these things is healing my sore little dumb heart.

- - -
one. friends. friends all over. thank you for helping me to be a better person, and for loving me while I'm still a worse one.

 
two. my messy desk. I'm not a super-clean nor super-organized person, but it's the process I have trouble with -- I love the results. yet, when I see this desk, I'm reminded of all that I have going on (see the calligraphy?) and all that I have to look forward to (go cards), and I can be thankful for the mess because of what it represents (my life, which is good).

and then hopefully I can straighten up.
three. outgoing mail. mail: reminds me of love shown by time given, friends (again), little pieces of beautiful in my life, travel and adventure. 
four. flamingoes. flipflops. fun. summer. (which doesn't start with f. oh well.)


five. my walls. this sounds dumb, but I really love the green. it makes me happy and works surprisingly well with a lot of other accent colors. I love its versatility; I love what each thing on it represents; and most importantly, when I see this wall, I'm home.

I'm home!
just some things I've been thinking about as I try to cultivate more thankfulness. (AND STOP BEING JEALOUS OF OTHER PEOPLE'S CAMERAS.)

dude, it's like I'm a lost cause.

17 July 2014

:: mixed emotions ::

I'M HOME!

my trip was fantastic.

utterly fantastic.

I mean, it was so great, nothing else could describe it. seriously: fantastic!

but I'm home now; falling asleep around 1 am and waking up around 10 am because I'm not adjusted yet to the time change (west to east is the worst). I'm drinking coffee, enjoying the break from work, and getting started on those lovely little modules Everybody's Favorite University requires me to do -- on alcohol, sexual assault, Really Boring Things You Need To Know Before Starting Classes, things like that.
   actually, overachiever that I am, I finished everything I'm able to so far in both the first modules; all I have left are the Really Boring TYNTKBSC. because they have serious tests after each module and the first one I took left me with a 65% grade and I was all, OH NO I WON'T, so I'm really taking my time on those (at least you can retake the quizzes. opps).
   they're not too bad, just eye-roll-y.

what I am really looking forward to is the month-long calligraphy course I start in approximately three days (or whenever my nibs get here). I'm very excited about this and super-impatient to get started.

can you see how my moods could be very bipolar right now? I had a great time in california (yay!). I had to come home (boo!). I missed my family and was thrilled to be back (yay!). I miss my best friend, the mountains, and in-n-out (boo!). I have thrilling college prep stuff I get to do (yay!). some is unnecessary and eye-roll-y (boo!). but I have an awesome opportunity to practice calligraphy and lettering (YAY!). which will begin in a few days, because I have to actually wait for the supplies (BOO!).

not to end on a down note, here's a joke. yay!

q. what's the best thing about switzerland?
a. I don't know, but the flag's a big plus!

don't feel bad if you laughed.

03 July 2014

:: in which I sing my barely-contained excitement ::

so --
I'm leaving on a jet plane
don't know when I'll be back again
oh, babe I ['m thrilled] to go

at 6.45 tomorrow morning, I will be flying out of the louisville airport to california.

well, I'm leaving in the morning
and I won't see you again
we'll have one more night together
until the morning brings my [plane] 
and I must go

I'm so thrilled to see my best friend kelsey, and I swear we are going to have more fun than anyone else, ever. I mean, come on. it's us.

I'm never gonna look back
whoa, I'm never gonna give it up
no, just don't wake me now

this is gonna be the best [week] of my life
my li-i-i-i-i-i-i-ife 
x) 

we're going to go swimming.

'cause it's never cold in california
there's always someone near
to tell you that they love you

we're going to stay up all night and jump around until we see the sun.
*ahem*

we're gonna stay up all night and jump around
until we see the sun
we're gonna stay up all night ['cause we are girls
who are feeling 22 want to have some fun]
hold on to the feeling, and don't let it go
'cause we got the floor, yeah
get out of control
I want to stay up all night 
and do it all with you

AND we're going to eat at in-n-out basically every meal, including breakfast (NUMBER ONE THING I MISS ABOUT THAT OL' STATE. aside from the beach and the redwoods. of course). 

well, she got her daddy's car
and she cruised through the hamburger stand, now
seems she forgot all about 
the library like she told her old man, now
and with the radio blasting
goes cruising just as fast as she can, now

AND WE'LL HAVE FUN, FUN, FUN
[just hum the line about the t-bird, oka-a-a-ay] x)

WESTWARD HO!
...be back in two weeks.

01 July 2014

:: 14" x 9" x 22" is surprisingly minuscule ::

   I'm flying out to california on friday morning.

(when typed out like that, I look surprisingly calm and contained.
BELIEVE ME I'M SO NOT)

   I got an email the other day from the airline on which I am flying, mentioning their policies concerning carry-ons, personal items, checked baggage, and all that good stuff. just to make sure -- because I always take the same blue champion duffel bag everywhere I go -- I looked at the dimensions: 14 inches by 9 inches by 22 inches. 

   my duffel could technically fit; it's about 15 inches by 9 inches by 24 inches. I know what those carriers are like, and seriously, an little extra sticking one way or another is not going to be a big deal.
   what did me in was the little picture of the businessman lifting his little briefcase out of the measuring-thing that they have placed strategically throughout the airport. and I'm all thinking, "what if they make me put my bag in there, and it's just a teeny bit too big? that would be embarrassing. and expensive."
   so I packed my clothes in a little rolling suitcase that I used to love, before I got my blue duffel, but which now I extremely dislike because it's not mine. that duffel carried my clothes across the country for a month when we moved to virginia; it carried my clothes to new york; it carried my clothes back to california; it carried them on various trips to michigan and pennsylvania and overnights at jane's house. 
THIS DUFFEL BAG IS A PART OF MY LIFE AND YOU WON'T LET ME TAKE IT, DAGNAB YOU AIRLINE!!!!!

 my irritation is fast melting as I remember that the whole point of packing is to fly out and see my bestest friend and do a bajillion fun things with her for a week and a half. 

A WEEK AND A HALF! I KNOW, RIGHT?? 
   I checked some books out from the library last week, hoping to distract myself for a while during this waiting time; and so I just finished catch-22 (joseph heller). I've never read heller before, and it's one of those modern-classic, must-read-if-you-want-to-write-for-the-new-yorker-someday kinds of books (have I ever mentioned I'd love to be a part of the new yorker someday? I mean, only sort of. not really. but I love how articulate they all are and the insightful things they have to say about basically everything. …dream on, dreamer).

   catch-22 was hilarious, but in a heartbreaking way: the book was bizarre and crazy and ridiculous, but at the same time horribly depressing because it was so real. I want to laugh because of orr and yossarian's "why did you walk around with crab apples in your cheeks" discussion, but then I realize what I'm laughing at and I want to cry, because what heller is writing about isn't funny at all.

   despite the little bits of hope scattered here and there, it was a very, very hopeless book. I just about threw it across the room when *SPOILER* nately died. *END SPOILER* you know I'm a big crier; I fully expected to burst into tears at any moment, but there was this awful dead feeling in my stomach and I'm still just utterly depressed. 
   ugh. 
   talk about book hangover.

   another disappointing thing is that I checked out war & peace in hopes of reading it before my trip. well, I read everything else I had from the library first, and there ain't no way I'm going to get through that book in two days. I'm considering cheating, and just rereading my favorite parts (like, NOT the battle descriptions). but that is cheating, and I'd hate to miss the awfulness of boris, the beautiful eyes of princess marya, the disgusting dolokhov; I want to watch natasha and nikolai and pierre develop and I really really really want to read something -- anything! everything! -- about prince andrei again. also, I want to confirm my belief that he and sonia get together in the end. I mean, how perfect would that be??

that was kind of a long way to go from blue duffel and luggage dimensions. I'm so worked up, my mind is jumping all over the place. I need to go check my laundry, too -- I have two last clothing items I need to pack. and a hostess gift to buy.
   any good hostess gift ideas? I'm utterly unsure. I don't know my best friend's mom well enough to have something immediately pop to mind (ironic, right? I know them well enough to invite myself to stay with them for a week, but not enough to get a good hostess gift). 
   I'm rambling again. I'll go check on that laundry.