:: penny for your thoughts ::

or, rather, mine.

this year...

-  I was afraid. I've been worried about money, school, scholarships, time, deadlines, my future; I've been worried that life will lose its sparkle as I grow into plodding adulthood. I know adulthood doesn't have to be plodding, but I worry that mine will be, and I worry that I'm lying to myself about the gorgeousness of life just because I haven't had to face the real it yet.
   
-  I was also courageous -- taking each day (or in the case of homework, each week) as it came. I appreciated the small things and the small moments: walking in beautiful leaves and sunshine to my next class. watching the rain fall and drinking a cup of tea before moving on to my next assignment. going to bed on time and not going to the library (these are the days which try men's souls).

and I thanked my gracious God for them.

-  I tried especially to live life. I realized that rushing from thing to thing to thing, trying to accomplish "enough" that I could sit down and relax, I'd never get there. I lived thinking more about above and less about below -- or, really, more about below in the context of above. it's so easy to get out of perspective.

-  I lived joyfully and gladly and trusting that the One who holds everything in His Hands is holding me.

-  I learned to trust God more. as I tried and prayed and tried some more, even as I felt my life falling apart around me, I did find a trust and a peace I couldn't have imagined.

-  I found once again that autumn is beautiful. I think I would like to die during autumn.

-  I found once again that robert frost captures beautiful thoughts in beautiful words.

ah, when to the heart of man

was it ever less than a treason

to go with the drift of things,

to yield with a grace to reason,

and bow and accept the end

of a love or a season?

and this year I really lived to its fullest.

 
    you know, two years ago I was taking psych, and in the workbook accompanying my textbook, there was this fascinating article on personal change -- both physically and personality-wise. the author made the point that our bodies are constantly generating new cells as the old cells age and die, and that in a certain amount of time (not long, honestly; only a few years), our bodies are literally different bodies. -- this is probably common knowledge, but it's fueled my thought for going on two years now, so I wanted to mention it.
    so, my point. I find it fascinating to realize that my body is constantly changing. on one hand, I'm almost sad that this good ol' body of mine isn't really the friend I thought it was. this is a new one. this is an interloper. at the same time, it's a little freeing to realize that this body now will be totally different in the future. (although I don't know what exactly it's freeing from. but okay.) it mirrors -- hopefully -- my growth as a person, and the person I am now is not the person I will be ten years from now. the identifying personality marks I have, like the physical birthmark on my left calf (true story), will always be there, but somehow I will be different; and right now, I am a different person from who I was even at the beginning of the year.

    I do hope that's a good thing.

:: life is beautiful ::

I learned so much this semester in my drawing class; one thing that I will always especially remember is just how beautiful life is. you don't really see its beauty until you start looking closely.
advice: if you have the chance to take a drawing class, take it.

so this is my art through the year.

2014 was filled with calligraphy.

watercolor.

I did say it was a snicket year.

charcoal drawings.

typography.

hot drinks, of course.

progress -- from bad boxes to figure drawing.

my baby sister, tib <3 she was still. for once.

people are fascinating and beautiful, did you know that?

music.

and poetry. this has really been a year for it... & poetry is always a great way to end something.

:: peace on earth, goodwill to men ::

...or, happy festivus to the rest of us.

:: the seasons, they go round and round ::

a lot of things happened this year. obviously, over that many days, plenty is going to happen; for some reason, this seemed like a more momentous year than others. and I think "momentous" is a good word to use -- the things that made this year memorable were many small moments. nothing big in and of themselves, just many little things making up the whole.

life, I guess, is like that.

january
jess and I took a trip with our friend elizabeth up to notre dame to see coriolanus. looking back over my posts from january, I somehow managed to avoid mentioning this (???) -- but we did. it was a fabulous trip: driving for hours, listening to maroon 5 and boys like girls, discussing power couples. and then, of course, seeing a beautiful, intense conglomeration of shakespeare, tom hiddleston, hadley fraser, and mark gatiss (giving rise to the coriofidius hadderston power couple. corio-fidius. get it?). it was amazing, and pretty much made my year, although it broke my heart in the process.

february
I got all my art applications and portfolio and essays finished and submitted. it felt like a huge accomplishment, and it helped me learn a lot about not-immediate gratification. ...it was good preparation for college. ha.

remember this?

march
"thousand-eared night repeats that cry
across the sea shining between us"

april
"only the actions of the just
smell sweet, and blossom in their dust"

may
four words: phantom. of. the opera. two more words: ben. jacoby. (see picture below.) this was another highlight -- I finally got to see phantom live. ...WOW. wow. you know how they have those iconic posters, like, "when was your first time?" well, I'd laughed at those because I couldn't remember hearing the music for the first time; "heck, I've grown up on phantom! pshh" and then had to utterly about-face when I saw it. live theater is so different from everything else. their voices were gorgeous. the set was incredible. and it was absolutely beautiful. I will never forget my first time.

this is my sister, not me. jess; you know, the one who saw phantom
 only two months later. on broadway. with norm lewis and sierra. yes, that one.
I can't believe I let her live this long.

june
so I have this theory that when you turn 13, yeah, you're technically a teenager, but you're not a teenager until really 14. I have the same feeling, opposite-ly, for 19: you're technically a teenager, but you're not really a teenager. I turned not-really-a-teenager this year. the responsibility is a little overwhelming. and now that I'm past the halfway mark, dude, I'm almost 20.
WHAT

july
kelsey and I spent a lovely almost-two-weeks together at the beginning of july. this was possibly my best summer ever -- finally seeing my beautiful friend again and getting to catch up face-to-face was such a wonderful experience. it was so relaxing and a great way to prep for my upcoming first semester of college. (also I started calligraphy this month, so that's another milestone x) )

I mustache you for a pen.

august
college. what else can I say? it was crazy and overwhelming, but I love it. I'm so excited for the spring semester, to tell the truth!

september
"gay bells or sad, they bring you memories
of half-forgotten, innocent old places;
we and our bitterness have left no traces
on munster grass and connemara skies"

october
"for He Himself is our peace
who has made both one
and has broken down the middle wall of separation"

november
"so I gaze and I now know why
it is good to live -- and to die...
trees and the infinite sky"

(c) little lotte photography. ha ha.

december
WINTER BREAK BOOYAH! it's been fantastic. I got to see the nutcracker with some awesome friends (like my BBBFF paige (yeah, it's complicated)), applied for several scholarships, spent some great time with my family totally unstressed about homework, got accepted into the honors program (yayayayayay), saw 'the importance of being earnest' again; overall, I have had a very relaxing, peaceful time and I'm feeling ready for whatever comes next.

which I'm guessing is, like, 2015. har har.

:: this is the rhythm of my life ::

it's like my very own awards show. woo!

best music video of 2014: billy boyd - the last goodbye

album of my year: the jane eyre musical soundtrack. I cannot say how many memories I have with this thing. dorky? absolutely. but whatever.

artist of my year: rogue valley. their smoky, natural acoustics are some of my across-the-board favorites. they remind me of autumn and growing up.

some songs just remind you of things. this year was especially that way, with all the big events in my life seeming to coincide perfectly with the songs I was listening to. these probably wouldn't mean much to anyone else, but they are all very evocative for me :)

JANUARY - let her go (passenger)

FEBRUARY - love somebody (maroon 5)

MARCH - mummer's dance (loreena mckennitt)
 
APRIL - young hearts (strange talk)

MAY - best day of my life (american authors)

JUNE - make a new dance up (hey ocean!)

JULY - sky full of stars (coldplay)

AUGUST - heading west (hadley fraser)
   [listen to the whole amazing album here!]

SEPTEMBER - mountain laurels (rogue valley)

OCTOBER - october winds (cara dillon)

NOVEMBER - tonight the streets are ours (richard hawley)

DECEMBER - don't you worry child (keith jack / swedish house mafia)
   [no, they didn't sing together. I love both versions, but I don't think you can get kj's version anywhere yet -- other than his album.]

my top 5 paper-writing/studying artists
1. phil coulter
2. piano guys
3. secret garden
4. yann tiersen
5. mannheim steamroller

my 15 most-listened-to songs from 2014
in no particular order
hey brother (avicii)
shut up & dance (walk the moon)
love you lately (daniel powter)
there never was a time (scarlet pimpernel concept; linda eder?)
ugly heart (g.r.l.)
laughter lines (bastille)
gone, gone, gone (phillip phillips)
come what may (collabro)*
beautiful times (owl city)
walk on the ocean (toad the wet sprocket)
after the storm (mumford & sons)
through the dark (1d)
drops of jupiter (train)
let's be still (head and the heart)
see you in my dreams (we the kings)

*I have only had three-and-a-half months in which to listen to this; but as much as I've listened to, say, the 'ocean eyes' album or 'bad day', I think I've managed to break even.

now I have this insatiable itch (...urm, I think that borders on mixed metaphor) to listen to all these songs again. oh gosh, it's been such a good year.

:: a series of fortunate books ::

WELCOME to my annual (as of now) year wrap-up! YAY!
I was originally going to do one nice, long "2014 is almost done and this is how I've spent it" post. but a year is too long for one post, so I'm splitting the definitive parts up over several days -- and enjoy it over one week, instead.

today I have a cup of cocoa and a good book -- it's weally lovely -- but not really. what I have is a whole linear year of good-book-ness, which is even lovelier. and (almost unmitigatedly [made-up word]) fortunate. and I will face the Great Unknown with confidence and not keep crying about my favorite characters and their untimely demises.
even though that's ALWAYS what happens.

total books read this year: 157**
(rereads: 43
new reads: whatever 157 - 43 is. 114. yeah.)

top ten new reads (again, an * means tears were involved!)
1. never let me go (kazuo ishiguro)*
2. the book thief (markus zusak)*
3. night (elie wiesel)*
4. shirley (charlotte brontë)*
5. fahrenheit 451 (ray bradbury)
6. when you reach me (rebecca stead)*
7. pelican brief (john grisham)
8. black moth (georgette heyer)
9. devil in the white city (erik larson)
10. rosencrantz and guildenstern are dead (tom stoppard)
and a bonus!! the acts of king arthur and his noble knights (translated by john steinbeck)

top five rereads
1. dune (frank herbert)
2. tuck everlasting (natalie babbitt)
3. beyond the desert gate (mary ray)
4. science fair (dave barry & ridley pearson)
5. enchantress from the stars (sylvia engdahl)

bottom six reads (several of which also reduced me to tears. of frustration.)
6. trilby (george du maurier)
       it didn't pack the punch I expected; more mediocre than anything.
5. the inner society (melinda louise bohannon)
       an odd mix of dystopian sci-fi, christian romance, and personal growth/man-vs.-self story. with a  
       little bit of this-is-the-epitome-of-teenage-awesome wishful thinking on the author's part. plus
       bad prose.
4. tom jones (henry fielding)
       too many pages for the plot depth. also I just couldn't like the protagonist -- and the excuses
       everyone made for him when he did wrong things. you can't just let him get away with that.
       nobody would ever like him for real!!
3. rookie bookie (l. jon wortheim & tobias moskowitz)
       stereotypical children's-book kid/parent relationship, which totally turned me off, and the little
       economic lessons were terribly integrated. the book was pathetic.
2. captivating (john & stasi eldredge)
       this could wreck someone's faith. the values are utterly misplaced and their whole intention -- of
       'justifying the ways of God to man', so to speak -- is unfounded in Scripture. like, if you're going
       to write a book for christians, use christian values. not hollywood. which they literally do.
and the worst... mr. knightley's diary (amanda grange)
       this review sums it up for me. just go read emma.

top five poetry anthologies
1. the best poems of the english language (harold bloom)
2. collected poems of robert service (robert service)
3. collected lyrics (written & compiled by edna st. vincent millay)
4. the top 500 poems (william harmon)
5. child's anthology of poetry (elizabeth hauge sword)

author of the year: lemony snicket!
no, he didn't make it on my top 10 new reads (although the end would have, but I'd forgotten night and didn't want to make the list 12-long). for me, though, it wasn't one particular book as it was all of them together. I've read more snicket books this year than any other author; and really, the way he's impacted my year -- personally and family-wise -- I think he makes the top. this will always be The Year of Lemony Snicket to me, and that's the way I like it.
beatrice.
(sniffles a little bit)

2015 plans
- I have to read book 3 in the 'all the wrong questions' series!! I'm dying of suspense.
- keep using gutenberg.org. I have discovered some fantastic books there.
- read more josephine tey. I've read three of hers so far (brat ferrars, daughter of time, and singing    
       sands) and I really like her style.
- definitely read more john grisham. I cannot get enough :)
- find -- and read! -- a shropshire lad (a. e. housman).
- then of course I have a list of to-reads that I usually keep with me but forget about when I'm at the
       library...

and that was my year in books! I am so looking forward to 2015.

-
**so far. the year ain't over yet. 

:: the last final ::

...sounds like thrilling story, right?

well, it's not (unless my life is a story, which would be definitely fabulous, though extremely improbable). my last final is this evening at 5.30 (*insert gagging face here*) but the upside is that when I wake up tomorrow I will be a FREE WOMAN until next semester but let's not go there just yet.

"free" to, you know, fill out applications for scholarships and write essays and catch up on all the relationships and obligations I've ignored for the past three months. "free" is, of course, relative.
one of those obligations being to update my reading and my thinking and all, here, I will be getting to that. soon. ish.

this year, I did keep a list of all the books I read (and re-read) -- literally, every single book for my entire year. it's lovely to look back and remember where I was and what was going on (my name is asher lev, for example, was read in a near-snow-bound house in michigan just hours before our trek back to notre dame to watch 'coriolanus' with tom hiddleston and hadley fraser and mark gatiss. I've mentioned that before, right? it was a huge life-highlight, so I'd better have).
   aaaanyway, that list will be extraordinarily helpful when I do my 2014 life roundup -- if I actually do it. before new years. -- because I love lists and I love concise, quantitative measurements of my year. (if you think that neither "concise" nor "quantitative" makes sense, you do not understand that sentence. read it again and grasp my full, deep meaning or give up and admit my utter incapability with words your intellectual lack.)

but I'm getting ahead of myself. that last final still hangs over my head. *sigh*

cheerio.