"...This sequence of life suspended followed by life intensified upon the entrance of the hero encourages female readers to think of their time alone as mere prelude, perhaps even a necessary prelude: if they wait long enough, the right man will enter so life can begin. This waiting robs women's time alone of meaning, save that of preparation and expectation." (emphasis mine.)
there isn't a lot to add onto wyatt's quote here. I wish more people would take this to heart -- myself included. society as a whole is so obsessed with relationships, and particularly women in relationships (guys definitely, but few people act like guys are incomplete if they're single). "but you're so [pretty! smart! I was going to include other attributes, but these seem to be the only ones people ever say]! ...I can't believe you don't have a boyfriend!"
1: you know, I'd always wondered if there was something wrong with me on the outside but now I can rest assured that it's something exclusively a part of who I am that's scaring off all potential partners. I seeeeee now: something in me is broken. good to know! even if I don't know what, because, of course, it's such a part of me I haven't even recognized it. I appreciate your concern. now I can be concerned, as well.
2: "pretty!" vs. "smart!" people say the second when they're trying to be all you're-sexy-for-your-mind because "smart" isn't an outward attribute, right? so that's good, right? ("pretty" of course is petty and shallow.)tbh, I don't mind people calling me pretty or smart, and I'll even take both. the problem is that nobody ever says "but you're such a fascinating conversationalist!" or "but you're so genuinely interested in other people!" (heh, can't always blame your problems on other people. maybe that's because I have some personal growth to do in those areas. x))
no, it's that "smart" is an easy vague thing to throw out there, and honestly, guys don't seem to go for "smart". I had a guy call me "intimidating" once -- but not to my face. he told a mutual friend that's why he wasn't interested in dating me, and it just happened to make it back through the ol' grapevine. it wasn't because I'm some muscle mountain, I just used a few too many polysyllabic --
I see. I see.
3: I appreciate that these well-wishers are trying to convey a you-are-great-the-guys-just-don't-see-it message. but really, do the guys have to see it for me to still be valuable? do I need to have my prettiness, smartness, or all-around american charm recognized by the Seal of Masculine Approval before it's valid? < this isn't to be some entitled feminist rant. I'm genuinely asking you to consider. because no, I don't. you don't. guys don't. nobody needs anybody's validation to be worthwhile: we are all inherently valuable.
so when wyatt wisely comments that "this waiting robs women time alone of meaning," I feel it reverberate through my very soul. wait actively, if you wait at all. be busy. cultivate your worthwhile-ness, for the friends and family who surround you -- and for you. it's so freeing to go at your own pace, instead of work towards a nebulous "goal" of "but am I enough for the Not Impossible Him?" you'll never know. so stop trying and start living for what already is.
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wyatt, jean. a patriarch of one's own: jane eyre and romantic love. http://www.jstor.org/stable/463696
