:: penny for your thoughts ::

or, rather, mine.

this year...

-  I was afraid. I've been worried about money, school, scholarships, time, deadlines, my future; I've been worried that life will lose its sparkle as I grow into plodding adulthood. I know adulthood doesn't have to be plodding, but I worry that mine will be, and I worry that I'm lying to myself about the gorgeousness of life just because I haven't had to face the real it yet.
   
-  I was also courageous -- taking each day (or in the case of homework, each week) as it came. I appreciated the small things and the small moments: walking in beautiful leaves and sunshine to my next class. watching the rain fall and drinking a cup of tea before moving on to my next assignment. going to bed on time and not going to the library (these are the days which try men's souls).

and I thanked my gracious God for them.

-  I tried especially to live life. I realized that rushing from thing to thing to thing, trying to accomplish "enough" that I could sit down and relax, I'd never get there. I lived thinking more about above and less about below -- or, really, more about below in the context of above. it's so easy to get out of perspective.

-  I lived joyfully and gladly and trusting that the One who holds everything in His Hands is holding me.

-  I learned to trust God more. as I tried and prayed and tried some more, even as I felt my life falling apart around me, I did find a trust and a peace I couldn't have imagined.

-  I found once again that autumn is beautiful. I think I would like to die during autumn.

-  I found once again that robert frost captures beautiful thoughts in beautiful words.

ah, when to the heart of man

was it ever less than a treason

to go with the drift of things,

to yield with a grace to reason,

and bow and accept the end

of a love or a season?

and this year I really lived to its fullest.

 
    you know, two years ago I was taking psych, and in the workbook accompanying my textbook, there was this fascinating article on personal change -- both physically and personality-wise. the author made the point that our bodies are constantly generating new cells as the old cells age and die, and that in a certain amount of time (not long, honestly; only a few years), our bodies are literally different bodies. -- this is probably common knowledge, but it's fueled my thought for going on two years now, so I wanted to mention it.
    so, my point. I find it fascinating to realize that my body is constantly changing. on one hand, I'm almost sad that this good ol' body of mine isn't really the friend I thought it was. this is a new one. this is an interloper. at the same time, it's a little freeing to realize that this body now will be totally different in the future. (although I don't know what exactly it's freeing from. but okay.) it mirrors -- hopefully -- my growth as a person, and the person I am now is not the person I will be ten years from now. the identifying personality marks I have, like the physical birthmark on my left calf (true story), will always be there, but somehow I will be different; and right now, I am a different person from who I was even at the beginning of the year.

    I do hope that's a good thing.