:: the perfect proposal ::

are you tired of “the days dividing lover and lover”? does everyone say “go out and ask her,” but the very thought makes you tremble? have no fear. today I offer 5 literary proposals for your memorization, emulation, or inspiration. 

1. “In vain have I struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you.”

2. “Start off with the glimmering landscape.” 
“Stars God’s daisy chain.”
“Twilight makes you feel sad.”
“Because mine lonely life.”
“Describe life.”
“Talk about the day I met her.”
“Add fairy princess gag. Say there’s something you want to say to her. Heave a couple of sighs. Grab her hand. And give her the works. Right.” 

3. “Oh, I don’t care about Jack. I don’t care about anybody in the whole world but you. I love you, [insert name here]. You will marry me, won’t you?”

4. “I can listen no longer in silence. I must speak to you by such means as are within my reach. You pierce my soul. I am half agony, half hope. Tell me not that I am too late, that such precious feelings are gone forever. …I have loved none but you. …For you alone I think and plan. …A word, a look, will be enough to decide whether I enter your father’s house this evening or never.”

5. “My dear, dear girl; my gallant, generous, disinterested, courageous, noble girl!…My love, my life! You are mine?”

but. (everyone knows I always have a big ‘but’.) one does like to be original, to paraphrase rodney burke, in a speech paraphrasing mr. knightley, who was incidentally proposing. (ah, these coincidences.) back to originality – which your “dearest, loveliest” would probably appreciate. here are some general guidelines for you more adventurous.

DO: compliment her “fine eyes”. 
DO NOT: attribute her attitude to her wish of increasing your love by suspense, according to the usual practice of elegant females.
WHY: well, that should be obvious.

DO: it in the rose garden. it is well established that there is no sounder move than to steer the adored object into rose gardens in the gloaming.
DO NOT: do the leave-notes-on-benches-and-speak-in-a-voluble-flow-as-you-trespass-in-her-garden thing. 
        WHY: this only worked because his name began with marius and ended with pontmercy. never otherwise in the history of proposals have I known it to succeed. 

DO: “Rise, Mr. Worthing, from this semi-recumbent posture. It is most indecorous.”
DO NOT: fall on the ground to hug her knees and beseech her favor. 
WHY: because this only happens in russian novels, that’s why.

and stay tuned: I’ll be back soon with "what not to say": tried-and-false methods to avoid. at all cost.