:: big bite, little chew ::

(HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY EVERYBODY!!!! I love so many things about this country. the foods, the people, the laws that give us freedom; I love having the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. I am so grateful for the men and women who have fought over the last 250 years for our freedom, and so blessed to be in a nation where the star-spangled banner yet waves o'er the land of the free and the home of the brave. here's to 240 more years of standing united for truth and justice. I love you, america!!!)
- - -

here's my dilemma. apparently I've bitten off a little more than I can chew in my original timeframe.

recap: I'm trying to read war and peace. to break the sad news to you, I've only reached part two of the first of the first of the firstest books today (about 25 chapters in). life has been so busy and there have been other priorities in my life, and

I mean seriously there are literally 15 books that are real-book length in this thing, so. what can you even expect. (but it's just as good as I remember it :') )

anyway, that's part of my dilemma. the other part(s), as follows: I leave for california on the 7th, and I'm pretty occupied with straightening that packing and planning out--between the several people commitments and car rentals and spotify playlists I have a lot going on and reading for pleasure just can't make the top of my list. (you should be proud of me for getting this far, haha.)

while in the socal and the norcal and all the cals (puuuuumped) I'll be spending time with people and basking in the driest of dry sunshines (puuuuuuumped) and won't have time to read and probably less to write--I still have online classes happening and lettering to do, too, and I'm feeling more pressure as summer comes to a close.

this is not supposed to be a complaint-fest. this summer's been great. internship, scholarships, kitty hawk, california, michigan (in august), and then school--productive in so many ways and I've learned a ton and grown in all directions (but also worked out, so hopefully that stalled a few directions)--but I need to focus on real life and not on self-imposed "commitments". I will totally do this, just maybe not all this summer.

I do have a few notes so far, though. ka-pow. (that was fireworks. we have to have fireworks, it's the fourth.)
- - - -

mostly questions, which I'm recording and keeping in mind as I read.

by chapter 25: already so many examples of war and peace -- between nations, but also between and within families.

relationship tracker: 
boris + natasha
nikolai + sonya
andrei + lise
vera + berg?
marya + anatole are being set up
single: pierre, helene, dolokhov

death count: 1

themes/things I'm watching for*
- love. young vs. old. how is portrayed when it lasts vs. doesn't? who is 'worthy'? who grows to worthiness? how is platonic love portrayed?
- social strata, politeness, rules. french vs. russian. fates of the rich vs. poor vs. illegitimate (aka just pierre).
- personal beauty. how does it affect those who have it or those who explicitly don't: andrei, lise, helene, vera, nikolai, boris, dolokhov even, vs. natasha, marya, pierre? better, worse, or is it a variable? how does it play into their stories?

and then I noticed eyes. for example: pierre wears glasses and is searching. marya is explicitly plain, but with beautiful eyes; or eyes so expressive, so indicative of her inner beauty, that they frequently "make her beautiful"--and she has a(n overly simplified) spiritual outlook. m & p both find their one true love (not each other!!) (if I'm remembering correctly) and both are plain. do they have what the more beautiful miss? ...and what counts as beauty, what counts as worth and value, as exemplified in the book?

*not totally fair. having read w&p before, I have a fuzzy notion of what to look out for (though my memory is far from perfect, so I could be wrong about watching for some of this). I'm afraid I'll be routinely giving stuff away if you've never read this book before; all the more reason to go read it. now.

wheeeeeeeee BANG sparkle sparkle
...more fireworks. eat some watermelon! happy 4th!

:: giving thanks ::

whoo. 
^that was a relieved exhale.

thanksgiving: I am definitely grateful for this break. I got much work done yesterday, so I'm able to relax today and tomorrow (christmas TREEEEEEEE) and I'll polish off some more on saturday.
       after that, one week and one day of school -- 5 days total and then I'm completely done with this semester, hallelujah!
what am I thankful for? NOT in order of importance :)

school. honestly. it's a great opportunity and I do love it, when I don't hate it.

friends. I have gotten so many "thinking of you!" texts and emails and I have felt so much love from the wonderful people around me, I cannot express to each of you how much I am thankful for that.

food. I can smell the turkey at this moment and my stomach is making ugly noises. dude, I'm starving and I am so blessed to live in a country where I have an abundance all the time.

my awesome family. they make me food and show me funny videos and read books with me and laugh and cry with me and give me hugs and love and correction when I do something wrong. thank you, guys! I LOVE YOU!

church. this is a combination of friends and family, essentially -- these are people who love me and put me first and care about me, from the older men and women to the little kids. it's incredible: I know people from every decade and can call them my friends, and they love me. they seek me out to find out how I'm doing; they pray for me; they encourage me; they really care. and I can't believe I get to be a part of this.

design. because good design is a treasure, and I get to look at it and practice it all week long. I am learning SO MUCH and I love it SO MUCH it's really worth all the stress. YAY DESIGN and YAY JAN TSCHICHOLD, my current design hero :D

afternoons off. *bliss*

thanksgiving. I enjoy all it stands for: gratitude, relaxation, good food, the holidays, warmth and love and fuzzies. gotta love it.

a healthy body. dude, I am by no means the skinny minnie I used to be. oh well. I am young and relatively healthy -- I don't have arthritis, I don't have a cold or allergies, my mind is whole, I am comfortable and can still run up stairs two at a time. I am young and healthy and I don't want to take that for granted!

electronic communication. because it can be used for good. I've tried to use it to bless others, and I've definitely been blessed by it :)

music. andrew mcmahon; rogue valley; michael bublé; passenger; mat kearney; george ezra; take that; hey ocean; coldplay; one direction; hadley fraser; walk off the earth; mary black; capercaillie; prince of spain; yann tiersen; all that good stuff depending on how I feel at the moment. ahh, love it.

this semester. yeah, it was rough. but now that I'm pretty much done, I wouldn't trade it for anything. I have grown and learned and with everything behind me, I'm glad I went through it.

and to whom am I thankful? to my God, who has supplied all my need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus.

:: gasping for breath ::

life can feel like this enormous ice bath sometimes. have you ever tried swimming in late september, or in lake michigan on a cool summer day? it's so cold you gasp for breath, but if you're diving underwater, you can't breathe in and a lot of times you end up choking and thrashing-- and standing up and feeling all tingly and then you get used to it and it's all good, but it's bad until you stand up out of the water.

right now, life is like that ice bath and I cannot stand up if my life depended on it, which in light of my little allegory there, it does.

many of you know, my mac crashed saturday before last and I didn't have the information backed up, so I lost two years of my life. all my design assignments and projects and portfolio; all my pictures, all my music, my creative suite; my current resume, my old school assignments, my completed and ready-to-be-printed school assignments, and my in-progress school assignments.

I lost a lot.

unfortunately, many people like to respond, "well, you can redo your portfolio--make it better!" and I nod and smile and run away and cry because

NO. no, it doesn't work like that.
1. I had hundreds of documents on my computer. I don't remember them all even if I wanted to recreate them.
2. I could remake them better, but then they wouldn't be the same, would they?
3. it's the history of me that I lost. I can't get it back: not my first endeavors in illustrator or my little pine tree logo or my typography haikus. it's not that I need the content as much as I want to see the progress.
4. DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY HUNDREDS OF HOURS THAT WOULD TAKE. seriously, I might as well make brand-new stuff than remake old, tired, bad ideas that weren't worth much in the first place (I'm not kidding myself. I just had warm fuzzies, that's all).

so I'm in a really discouraged place right now. I have 3.5 weeks of the semester left, which is not a lot in which to complete all the projects I couldn't do last week (and whose progress I lost on top). I'm super thankful to be nearing a rest, but the hurdles I have to jump to get there are daunting to me.

also I applied to an incredible travel program to Italy over winter break and didn't get accepted :(

OH WELL. oh well. I have so much to be thankful for. the computer was not my life, and my life is still rich and good (PUMPKIN BREAD AND ENGLISH MUFFINS). school will end and my work will get done. I have learned a lesson; the weather has been beautiful; I get a winter break. and I have no finals :D

anyway, that's what's been up with me and why I've been absent. I'm planning on being absent until christmastime, too, because time is a commodity I am woefully short on. (...on which I am woefully short?)

:: english is crazy ::

english is crazy. but we all already knew that. my (very short, for once) issue today is with the phrase "b*ted breath".

it looks like I'm swearing. I swear I'm not OKAY TO THE POINT.

I always have difficulty remembering if it's "baited breath" or "bated breath" -- because I feel that etymologically, it could sort of be either.
   take "bate". this, if these two were on a multiple choice test, would technically be the more correct answer and would get you enough points to win that merit-based scholarship so that you can tell millions of children down the road how you fought to succeed and now you're giving back to them, go them, go you, do big things, and you can retire with a ton of money and down pringles and café au lait all day while you watch BBC dramas and princess bride. I hear you. so "bate" is short for "abated" and you abate your breath when you hold it, so you wait with abated breath. gotcha.
   but hear me out: "bait" means to lure for the purpose of trapping/victimizing/eating/removing unwanted squirrels from your bird feeder; like, if you're fishing, you bait the hook to catch the fish. if something surprising happens, you catch your breath, right? while I'm not saying it's the correct -- as in, societally established -- way to spell "bate" I think "baited breath" is at least understandable. you've trapped, caught your breath, 'waiting with caught breath' so to speak. amirite?
 
and this, my friends, is why I get the two confused sometimes. -- frequently. just saying.

:: oh, life, the glorious cycle of song ::

I've been absent. (gosh, I'm even starting to talk like a school-person.) I have had a lot of class-related time-consumers, like actually attending and then repeatedly applying class-learned procedures outside of class and either in my room or the library cafe (cheap coffee and today I ate a bagel (I LOVE BAGELS)). but I'm not going into particulars, because you don't want to hear about it.

no, trust me. you really don't.

let me sum up (and I swear, I say that way too much):

- gen 101 is completely unnecessary to my college education, and I cannot wait for it to be over in mid-october. may I repeat, CANNOT WAIT.

- 3d art and foundation drawing are both going really well, I really enjoy them, but I have blisters from today's 2+ hours of plaster reduction and that's not a happy thing.

- history is pretty fascinating, but I have a 10-page paper due in a few weeks that is stressing me out of my cotton-picking mind. like, seriously, it's not coming together as quickly as I remember previous research papers doing, so I'm... well, stressed. it's dumb of me, but a fact.

- math. hmm. well, I get the concepts (basically algebra (blushes for self taking algebra in college)), but my teacher is terrible, bless his heart. he really stinks. and I have this big ol' "project" that I have to do -- I think to show that I understand what's going on in the various formulae? but I've never done something like this before, and I think I'm allergic to letter grades below a B (at least in theory). this means that, once again, I'm stressed and moderately terrified. (I did what I'm sure was terribly in the quiz tonight, partially due to the coffee-on-an-empty-stomach routine that I performed earlier. stupid, stupid rat creature.)

and that's an overview of my first month and a half of college. it discourages me immeasurably to remember the 3.75 YEARS of this I still have to do, all of which I am currently incapable of paying for. I mean, class by class, I'm sure I'll have fun (I do enjoy it to some degree right now, no pun intended), but I get home exhausted and overwhelmed.

fall break is this week. I will have several days to catch up and get some rest -- for both of which things I am exceedingly grateful. WOO.

:: mixed emotions ::

I'M HOME!

my trip was fantastic.

utterly fantastic.

I mean, it was so great, nothing else could describe it. seriously: fantastic!

but I'm home now; falling asleep around 1 am and waking up around 10 am because I'm not adjusted yet to the time change (west to east is the worst). I'm drinking coffee, enjoying the break from work, and getting started on those lovely little modules Everybody's Favorite University requires me to do -- on alcohol, sexual assault, Really Boring Things You Need To Know Before Starting Classes, things like that.
   actually, overachiever that I am, I finished everything I'm able to so far in both the first modules; all I have left are the Really Boring TYNTKBSC. because they have serious tests after each module and the first one I took left me with a 65% grade and I was all, OH NO I WON'T, so I'm really taking my time on those (at least you can retake the quizzes. opps).
   they're not too bad, just eye-roll-y.

what I am really looking forward to is the month-long calligraphy course I start in approximately three days (or whenever my nibs get here). I'm very excited about this and super-impatient to get started.

can you see how my moods could be very bipolar right now? I had a great time in california (yay!). I had to come home (boo!). I missed my family and was thrilled to be back (yay!). I miss my best friend, the mountains, and in-n-out (boo!). I have thrilling college prep stuff I get to do (yay!). some is unnecessary and eye-roll-y (boo!). but I have an awesome opportunity to practice calligraphy and lettering (YAY!). which will begin in a few days, because I have to actually wait for the supplies (BOO!).

not to end on a down note, here's a joke. yay!

q. what's the best thing about switzerland?
a. I don't know, but the flag's a big plus!

don't feel bad if you laughed.

:: v-tines are for losers ::

let me 'splain.
too long. let me sum up.
ever seen that bumper sticker, "virginia is for lovers"? well, it is easily mis-seen and has thus become a family joke: "[insert here] is for losers lovers!" I really wasn't being a hater.

personally, I am not hugely into the 14th of february as a holiday. maybe because I don't have a better half? …maybe because I never have, and indifference is my revenge? (geez, I really am a hater.) my favorite celebration of it, ever, was making cookies in the afternoon and eating them at night while watching the twilight zone.

que romantico!

but I'm willing to get in the spirit of things, and as part of the festivities, I'm stuffing my face with chocolate doing a valentine's day link-up. this is so much fun, I'd suggest you go to jessica grayson's blog and do it, too.

so. without further ado, silly songs with *ahem*. moving on.

what book do I love that everyone else seems to hate?
a separate peace. it was an impressively narrated, heartbreaking story that revealed a lot of truth about the human heart. I loved it and I reread it and it makes me cry every time (that was one of the top three "hangover" books I've read in my lifetime. the other two are shining company and return of the king). but nobody else seems to appreciate it the way I do!

what book does everyone else love that I don't?
don quixote. not that everyone else seriously loves it, but why is it a classic? I probably have an uncultured mind, is all. oh well.

love in books -- love it or hate it?
done well, I love it. a quarter of the way through any jane austen (persuasion. be still, my beating heart) I'm practically begging for a couple. or dickens (our mutual friend! nicholas nickleby! bleak house!). there have been quite a few books I've read, though, that have handled romance so clumsily I've laughed at them in embarrassment -- pick any YA novel, seriously. gregor the overlander. the unwanteds. ("WHO…says…that?!")

favorite friendship, brother- or sisterhood 
1. justin and flavius or the mac clydno brothers
2. arthur (lord godalming), quincey morris, dr. seward, jonathan and mina harker
3. clive and ann
4. the penderwick sisters
5. pip and merry

I ship couples when I read. (and some of my favorites -- that sailed, or didn't.)
I actually still have a paper on which I progressively shipped while reading war & peace… I kind of totally called it. well, by the end. and what about andrei and sonya? ANDREI AND SONYA. do you feel me, here??? ann and major merrion in the merriweather chronicles. it didn't happen hasn't happened yet, but IT WILL. also drem and blai. charlie and rose. beatrice and benedict. cynan and niamh, for heaven's sake!

I still exchange valentines.
mainly with my family. this year I might branch out, because I'll be "celebrating" with friends this friday (haha, watching gregory peck and audrey hepburn and cary grant. what better way to celebrate loooooove?).

favorite valentine gift:
chocolate. ghirardelli 60% cacao.

personal views on valentine's day?
they were kind of laid out up there. I'm pretty 'whatever' about it. I don't really care about getting roses and candy -- well, no, candy's good -- as a way of showing love. hallmark cards are totally meh. I'd be a huge proponent if my love interest was into it, but as far as I'm concerned, I'd rather a day off to read :)

favorite sweet read?
hope was here. walk two moons. iron peacock.

favorite fairytale and why?
I love the one about the prince of denmark-turned-shepherd who gets the princess to love him by being kind to her. it's a roundabout way: first he tricks her into marrying him and then gives her tasks to do which she fails at (being a helpless princess), but he isn't upset with her -- she ends up saying she'd rather live in their hovel with him than be princess. except that he turns out to be prince, so she gets the best of both. I've loved it ever since I can remember.

favorite romantic gesture in a book?
when ness puts her hands on aquila's shoulders. I feel like crying every time. or sydney carton, putting the rag over charles darnay's face. I do cry every time. pat saying, "my lamb, what on earth is the matter?" and letting peggy cry on his shoulder and use his handkerchief ("not that handkerchief, you idiot! I've been using it to wipe down the windscreen. this one!"). of course, sheftu's public claim of mara's loyalty: "whatever bargain we make, daughter of the sun, must include her freedom." *fans self*

AND. after marguerite bites through the rope around sir percy's wrists, when he carries her back to the ship -- because her feet are so bruised and cut from following him so far.

favorite romantic movie?
princess bride and singin' in the rain are obviously going to rate pretty high, but I think my absolute favorite is roman holiday. which is ironic, considering the end, but their parting is such sweet sorrow that… oh, and now I'm quoting shakespeare. better stop.

my favorite literary couple
that's just mean. I can't stick to one answer when it's merely "favorite romantic gesture", are you kidding? probably, though, if my life depended on picking it… oh gosh. I'll just say one of my favorites, okay? jessica and lorenzo. they are adorable and hilarious. I want to marry a guy just like him when I grow up. x)

favorite opinion about love from a character
"I really don't see anything romantic in proposing. It is very romantic to be in love. But there is nothing romantic about a definite proposal. Why, one may be accepted. One usually is, I believe. Then the excitement is all over. The very essence of romance is uncertainty. If I ever get married, I'll certainly try to forget the fact."

favorite quote about love
actually, you'll just have to wait until the 14th for this one. ("one"? who am I kidding. you'll have to wait for those. plural.) but they'll be good, I promise.

have fun anticipating :)

:: [read in mr. darcy's apologetic voice] ::

I was talking to my bestest friend yesterday (no names mentioned, or anything, but kelsey you know who you are) and she said, considering my over-sensitivity to rebecca dew's ridiculous comment, that I was giving myself too hard a time and really being a fathead about it all. I mean, not in those exact words or even in that tone of voice, but her point was that I just seriously needed to get over myself because I'm being ridiculous.

most of that was the voice in my head combined with her (loving) words of common sense (I was exaggerating your message, kels. I know you didn't mean it that way x) ). so I'm here to apologize really loudly and clearly and… apologetically.

so, guys: I know I have an ego problem, and I know I was overreacting to l. m. montgomery's point -- which, if she really meant that beautiful people don't work, was wrong (I take no credit here! kelsey's words!) -- and I am so sorry for saddling you with my emotional, after-midnight issues.

yeah, I really did write that post after midnight. not smart at all. I'll stop that. and I'll also give myself a few whacks upside the head to clear it a little. and then I'll go read something uplifting, like northanger abbey. (haha, that one's just for my awesomest friend ever. meaning kelsey. obvs.)

woo, henry tilney!! on a new topic, who is the best hero in all of jane austen? …ha. just kidding. I don't think I want to go there. I have a hard enough time picking my favorite ice cream flavor.

:: now I only know I am, that's all ::

poetry has just fit my mood lately. this past year has been challenging in so many ways: important deadlines, relationship issues, growth in grace, cloudy ideas about the future. I end up awake late, staring out the window feeling a little nostalgic (I get wistful when it's midnight), wishing life could slow down so that I could work through this stuff without feeling rushed, and wistfulness lends itself spectacularly to many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore, soooo... of course my answer to this is to stay up later. especially with work in the morning.
   but read I do, and then beautiful lines echo in my head all day. lines I can't quote, because they won't fit, they sound pretentious, and no one else would get them. "in the spring a young man's fancy lightly turns to thoughts of love... I'm sorry, what were you saying?" that sort of compounds my feelings, which prompts up-late-staying the next night; and so it goes.
   
   I want a break from My Life As Of Now. I want to enjoy the holidays without any responsibility; without the knowledge of a february deadline for a portfolio that I technically haven't started yet and dread compiling, without the scholarship needs when I don't know what to do and am not sure even how to go about doing it. 

there you go. my stress in a nutshell. time holds me green and dying.

poetry has just been a good escape; death and loss and broken hearts are just soothing to my wounded soul, I suppose. "april again in avrillé, and the brown lark in air; and you and I a world apart who walked together there..."  
   I know, it all sounds petty and pathetic when I write it out. I need to hit myself upside the head and think through this clearly. honestly, what's the worst that would happen if I didn't get this portfolio submitted? well, february 15th is the priority deadline. my stuff would still get looked at, at some point. let's say I suck; and they write me a mean letter telling me to flush my artwork and materials down the toilet because I'm obviously cut out for a toothpaste-capping job at some podunk factory.
   that would mean I either go somewhere else, less selective, for a BFA, or I drop the idea of being an artist. I'm sure I have other... talents... somewhere around here.... I mean, I at least have other interests, and I'm sure I could find something to do in college. really, really super-worst comes to worst, I take another year off figuring out what I want to do (but ugh, that sounds so awful. I don't think it could ever come to that). 
   
things really aren't that bad. I have a fantastic job, long-term plans and dreams, a great family, and a new 1d album to enjoy. not to mention plans to eat waffles (!!!) and watch fiddler on the roof next day off (did I mention I have today off? I do. it's been great). 
   sorry for the sorting-out complainy-fest. a year from now I'll look back and laugh at myself for being so worried about nothing.
   ...and then probably go back to stressing out about the finals I have coming up, or something. isn't life just like that.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING Y'ALL

go eat turkey and cranberry sauce!

and give thanks with a grateful heart :)

:: in which, I get a life ::

I've seriously been posting like a crazy person for the past, like, two weeks. because I was focusing on oliver twist there was enough material for me to write like heck and I can't resist posting when I have a ready-to-go draft just sitting there under my 'posts' tab; but this is all going to change.
   why? I got a job.
   yes, a job. please pick your jaw up off the floor.
this isn't going to significantly cut down on the time I have to read/blather about what I read, I'm pretty sure, but I'll be pretty tired so my posts will probably become less frequent. ...although I just got home from my first day (at ze tea parlor! woo!) about an hour ago, and here I am, so who knows.

a really great book I just read last week, if anyone is interested: the shuttle, by frances hodgson burnett (also wrote secret garden and a little princess). it's got an american heroine and a british hero (OH YEAH) -- kind of your typical turn-of-the-century story in some ways, with the all-capable woman who has strength of character and purpose, an evil villain who is seemingly unstoppable, and lots of really sappy unliterary parts that are essentially fluff (it's like woman in white for kids).
   I am so comfortable with myself that I can admit I read fluff sometimes for the sheer fun-ness of it all. okay? and this is sweet fluff. not like cotton candy, which has zippo nutritional value; no, this is like cracker jack because it is sweet, has some nutritional value (POPCORN IS GOOD FOR YOU LA LA LA LA I'M NOT LISTENING), and a little prize hidden in the box. ...that last one doesn't exactly count. the shuttle is kinda... predictable.
   oh, and this is also a small box of cracker jack. the kind that you pig out on, finish in an embarrassingly short amount of time, and then realize if you had any more you'd probably throw up. ...was that too graphic?

anyway, it was totally enjoyable. it really speaks to that "if I were a millionaire I would go around sprinkling wealth on the poverty-stricken and grateful" wish that resides in my heart. I lived vicariously through bettina vanderpoel and was happy, until the end when I had to stop.
   *sighs for hard lot in life
   also, it's available free through gutenberg.org, if you're interested.

well, I'm going to see our town performed tonight, so I need to go get ready.
   hm. five-thirty here in kentucky. -- you get a good rest, too. good night.