once upon a time, something really super-awesome happened to me.
it was like this.
for years and years (or more like year and a half) I had been searching for a. e. housman's a shropshire lad. searching. every library, every bookstore, and I could find no copy anywhere.
(pause, for a sad face.)
and then last week, an idea of uncommon brilliance burst upon me and I asked for the housman call number at my university's library. wonder of wonders...
they not only had an entire shelf of housman works and commentaries and criticisms, they had THREE COPIES of a shropsire lad! embarrassment of riches. I had a glorious time reading it, and lived happily ever after. yay!
in all seriousness, though, I rediscovered 'on wenlock edge', a poem I must have read hundreds of times but whose impact I'd never really absorbed. I kept reading it over the next few days, trying to soak in the genius, the wistful, solemn, suddenness of it all, but I had this nagging sense I'd read this poem in a different form before. long story long, I went looking for a millay parallel (you know my obsession with good ol' edna st. vincent) and came upon 'if still your orchards bear'. your task: read both. then come back here, if you feel like it.
both poems are incredible. their deceitfully simple formats hide complex thoughts -- maybe because I'm still struggling to grasp the full import of their meanings, but the emotional power still hits me every time.
both poems seem to flow from a heart-trouble. each speaker mentions a personal difficulty: "the thoughts that hurt him, they were there....then was the Roman, now 'tis I" and "I cannot think your thoughts will be much different from mine....supposing in ten thousand years, men ache, as they do now" -- but each is universally applied. the speakers may have varied "memories hard to bear" and "thoughts that hurt", but at the same time, don't we all have "things that [we] could not bear, and live"? "men ache," says millay, and that's true of all men at all times, no matter the specific cause. one speaker looks forward, the other looks back, but both discover the same truth: "there is nothing new under the sun".
both poems, interestingly, use nature -- orchards & fruit, wind & storms & landscape -- as the constant, even in its changes. in housman's poem, the trees are the men and the wind is their life, an outside force that spends itself and leaves the trees (no pun intended) silent, unmoved, and in a way unchanged; eternal. as if the ranks of men are always there, animated as separate beings, but ultimately ever-passing. in millay's poem, the tree is human life; trouble is the fruit, held & warmed & owned by the human hand.
I think ultimately the focuses of the poems are fundamentally different: millay gently sympathizes with every centuries' daily struggles, housman subtly emphasizes the brevity of man's life. but the similarity occurs as both throw light on their own trouble by speaking of universal difficulties, however vague and unspecific these "difficulties" may be.
it is through the vagueness of their difficulties that they speak of ours. on one hand, the authors make these things universal, a large, human turmoil that spans the ages -- perhaps eternal "who are we? what are we? where are we?" questions. but both poets also make it a more personal thing, for them and (since I can't speak for you) for me: subtly relating their parts in mankind's ever-recurring troubles, but a relation general enough for a broader reader interpretation. people can universally relate to these personal troubles, in part because they're not specifically stated. I have "memories hard to bear at noon, at moonlight harder still"; perhaps small struggles, but I imagine everyone does. this poetic generalization works because I know my memories without having them dictated to me by the author's single and particular viewpoint. I place my own history in the words to "bring the eternal note of sadness in" as I more fully realize each poem's thrust: changes and troubles and lives come and go, and the ages roll on towards eternity.
the thing is, neither the speaker nor the subjects are emotionally connected at all. housman will never know the roman whose ashes have been buried for thousands of years; millay doesn't know the "brother" who might stand here when her ashes have been buried for thousands of years; and neither of them knows me, just as I don't know them or you. even in our connected humanness and the difficulties we all experience because of life, there is an impassable separation between us that cannot be bridged.
I'm struggling to clearly explain what I mean and I am becoming incredibly redundant. this is shaping into an all-around rough week for me.
just enjoy and appreciate the incredible insights these two very different people had into the human condition: the personal sorrows which fundamentally, deeply relate all humankind to one another, and the loneliness that forever separates them.
*hey, you're awesome if you can identify the byron quote. BYRON YEAH MAN
21 February 2015
19 February 2015
:: excuse-y fluff. skip it ::
if I could type a guilty face, I would totally type it here.
like, I have been so lax about posting that for the past fewdays weeks months I've been avoiding thinking about this whole blog because I feel like such a slacker. I could come up with some plausible excuses, like, I did just get a job on top of my Very Stressful (Graphic Design Entry Of-Which-Only-15-People-Are-Accepted-From-The-Current-45-Attending) Class.
but at the same time, that feels kind of cheap. I should find time, make time, you know? :/
in other news, we had three snow days this week because of the crazy cold and snow, so I got some fantastic amounts of homework done and managed to read the three musketeers (EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!). I should have taken notes so that I could write something cohesive and intelligent about it after the fact, but honestly. I was so absorbed by the thrilling story I don't think I would have had the patience for that. did I ever say what I thought of count of monte cristo, like, a year ago? well, whatever I said, this is so much better I can't even explainhow gorgeous your hair is.
if rating the characters counts as something intelligent (why did I even say that, of course it doesn't) then I will merely nominate athos for my favorite musketeer; planchet for my favorite valet; lady clark and felton for my third and fourth favorite characters, respectively; and everyone else an even second.
dumas is incredible, guys. I need a loud, obnoxious bumper sticker for the extent of my obsession.
anyway, snow days! I currently have a poetry post in the works, but I'm sorry I can't promise any more-frequent posting. I'd love to have the time, trust me, but right now I have too many other responsibilities. wait until all the season of snows and sins is over.
ugh, an education. amirite? x)
like, I have been so lax about posting that for the past few
but at the same time, that feels kind of cheap. I should find time, make time, you know? :/
in other news, we had three snow days this week because of the crazy cold and snow, so I got some fantastic amounts of homework done and managed to read the three musketeers (EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!). I should have taken notes so that I could write something cohesive and intelligent about it after the fact, but honestly. I was so absorbed by the thrilling story I don't think I would have had the patience for that. did I ever say what I thought of count of monte cristo, like, a year ago? well, whatever I said, this is so much better I can't even explain
if rating the characters counts as something intelligent (why did I even say that, of course it doesn't) then I will merely nominate athos for my favorite musketeer; planchet for my favorite valet; lady clark and felton for my third and fourth favorite characters, respectively; and everyone else an even second.
dumas is incredible, guys. I need a loud, obnoxious bumper sticker for the extent of my obsession.
anyway, snow days! I currently have a poetry post in the works, but I'm sorry I can't promise any more-frequent posting. I'd love to have the time, trust me, but right now I have too many other responsibilities. wait until all the season of snows and sins is over.
ugh, an education. amirite? x)
01 January 2015
27 December 2014
:: penny for your thoughts ::
or, rather, mine.
this year...
- I was afraid. I've been worried about money, school, scholarships, time, deadlines, my future; I've been worried that life will lose its sparkle as I grow into plodding adulthood. I know adulthood doesn't have to be plodding, but I worry that mine will be, and I worry that I'm lying to myself about the gorgeousness of life just because I haven't had to face the real it yet.
- I was also courageous -- taking each day (or in the case of homework, each week) as it came. I appreciated the small things and the small moments: walking in beautiful leaves and sunshine to my next class. watching the rain fall and drinking a cup of tea before moving on to my next assignment. going to bed on time and not going to the library (these are the days which try men's souls).
and I thanked my gracious God for them.
- I tried especially to live life. I realized that rushing from thing to thing to thing, trying to accomplish "enough" that I could sit down and relax, I'd never get there. I lived thinking more about above and less about below -- or, really, more about below in the context of above. it's so easy to get out of perspective.
- I lived joyfully and gladly and trusting that the One who holds everything in His Hands is holding me.
- I learned to trust God more. as I tried and prayed and tried some more, even as I felt my life falling apart around me, I did find a trust and a peace I couldn't have imagined.
- I found once again that autumn is beautiful. I think I would like to die during autumn.
- I found once again that robert frost captures beautiful thoughts in beautiful words.
you know, two years ago I was taking psych, and in the workbook accompanying my textbook, there was this fascinating article on personal change -- both physically and personality-wise. the author made the point that our bodies are constantly generating new cells as the old cells age and die, and that in a certain amount of time (not long, honestly; only a few years), our bodies are literally different bodies. -- this is probably common knowledge, but it's fueled my thought for going on two years now, so I wanted to mention it.
so, my point. I find it fascinating to realize that my body is constantly changing. on one hand, I'm almost sad that this good ol' body of mine isn't really the friend I thought it was. this is a new one. this is an interloper. at the same time, it's a little freeing to realize that this body now will be totally different in the future. (although I don't know what exactly it's freeing from. but okay.) it mirrors -- hopefully -- my growth as a person, and the person I am now is not the person I will be ten years from now. the identifying personality marks I have, like the physical birthmark on my left calf (true story), will always be there, but somehow I will be different; and right now, I am a different person from who I was even at the beginning of the year.
I do hope that's a good thing.
this year...
- I was afraid. I've been worried about money, school, scholarships, time, deadlines, my future; I've been worried that life will lose its sparkle as I grow into plodding adulthood. I know adulthood doesn't have to be plodding, but I worry that mine will be, and I worry that I'm lying to myself about the gorgeousness of life just because I haven't had to face the real it yet.
- I was also courageous -- taking each day (or in the case of homework, each week) as it came. I appreciated the small things and the small moments: walking in beautiful leaves and sunshine to my next class. watching the rain fall and drinking a cup of tea before moving on to my next assignment. going to bed on time and not going to the library (these are the days which try men's souls).
and I thanked my gracious God for them.
- I tried especially to live life. I realized that rushing from thing to thing to thing, trying to accomplish "enough" that I could sit down and relax, I'd never get there. I lived thinking more about above and less about below -- or, really, more about below in the context of above. it's so easy to get out of perspective.
- I lived joyfully and gladly and trusting that the One who holds everything in His Hands is holding me.
- I learned to trust God more. as I tried and prayed and tried some more, even as I felt my life falling apart around me, I did find a trust and a peace I couldn't have imagined.
- I found once again that autumn is beautiful. I think I would like to die during autumn.
- I found once again that robert frost captures beautiful thoughts in beautiful words.
ah, when to the heart of man
was it ever less than a treason
to go with the drift of things,
to yield with a grace to reason,
and bow and accept the end
of a love or a season?
and this year I really lived to its fullest.
you know, two years ago I was taking psych, and in the workbook accompanying my textbook, there was this fascinating article on personal change -- both physically and personality-wise. the author made the point that our bodies are constantly generating new cells as the old cells age and die, and that in a certain amount of time (not long, honestly; only a few years), our bodies are literally different bodies. -- this is probably common knowledge, but it's fueled my thought for going on two years now, so I wanted to mention it.
so, my point. I find it fascinating to realize that my body is constantly changing. on one hand, I'm almost sad that this good ol' body of mine isn't really the friend I thought it was. this is a new one. this is an interloper. at the same time, it's a little freeing to realize that this body now will be totally different in the future. (although I don't know what exactly it's freeing from. but okay.) it mirrors -- hopefully -- my growth as a person, and the person I am now is not the person I will be ten years from now. the identifying personality marks I have, like the physical birthmark on my left calf (true story), will always be there, but somehow I will be different; and right now, I am a different person from who I was even at the beginning of the year.
I do hope that's a good thing.
26 December 2014
:: life is beautiful ::
I learned so much this semester in my drawing class; one thing that I will always especially remember is just how beautiful life is. you don't really see its beauty until you start looking closely.
advice: if you have the chance to take a drawing class, take it.
so this is my art through the year.
2014 was filled with calligraphy.
watercolor.
charcoal drawings.
typography.
hot drinks, of course.
progress -- from bad boxes to figure drawing.
people are fascinating and beautiful, did you know that?
music.
and poetry. this has really been a year for it... & poetry is always a great way to end something.
advice: if you have the chance to take a drawing class, take it.
so this is my art through the year.
2014 was filled with calligraphy.
 |
| I did say it was a snicket year. |
hot drinks, of course.
 |
| my baby sister, tib <3 she was still. for once. |
and poetry. this has really been a year for it... & poetry is always a great way to end something.
25 December 2014
24 December 2014
:: the seasons, they go round and round ::
a lot of things happened this year. obviously, over that many days, plenty is going to happen; for some reason, this seemed like a more momentous year than others. and I think "momentous" is a good word to use -- the things that made this year memorable were many small moments. nothing big in and of themselves, just many little things making up the whole.
life, I guess, is like that.
january
jess and I took a trip with our friend elizabeth up to notre dame to see coriolanus. looking back over my posts from january, I somehow managed to avoid mentioning this (???) -- but we did. it was a fabulous trip: driving for hours, listening to maroon 5 and boys like girls, discussing power couples. and then, of course, seeing a beautiful, intense conglomeration of shakespeare, tom hiddleston, hadley fraser, and mark gatiss (giving rise to the coriofidius hadderston power couple. corio-fidius. get it?). it was amazing, and pretty much made my year, although it broke my heart in the process.
february
I got all my art applications and portfolio and essays finished and submitted. it felt like a huge accomplishment, and it helped me learn a lot about not-immediate gratification. ...it was good preparation for college. ha.
march
"thousand-eared night repeats that cry
across the sea shining between us"
april
"only the actions of the just
smell sweet, and blossom in their dust"
may
four words: phantom. of. the opera. two more words: ben. jacoby. (see picture below.) this was another highlight -- I finally got to see phantom live. ...WOW. wow. you know how they have those iconic posters, like, "when was your first time?" well, I'd laughed at those because I couldn't remember hearing the music for the first time; "heck, I've grown up on phantom! pshh" and then had to utterly about-face when I saw it. live theater is so different from everything else. their voices were gorgeous. the set was incredible. and it was absolutely beautiful. I will never forget my first time.
june
so I have this theory that when you turn 13, yeah, you're technically a teenager, but you're not a teenager until really 14. I have the same feeling, opposite-ly, for 19: you're technically a teenager, but you're not really a teenager. I turned not-really-a-teenager this year. the responsibility is a little overwhelming. and now that I'm past the halfway mark, dude, I'm almost 20.
WHAT
july
kelsey and I spent a lovely almost-two-weeks together at the beginning of july. this was possibly my best summer ever -- finally seeing my beautiful friend again and getting to catch up face-to-face was such a wonderful experience. it was so relaxing and a great way to prep for my upcoming first semester of college. (also I started calligraphy this month, so that's another milestone x) )
august
college. what else can I say? it was crazy and overwhelming, but I love it. I'm so excited for the spring semester, to tell the truth!
september
"gay bells or sad, they bring you memories
of half-forgotten, innocent old places;
we and our bitterness have left no traces
on munster grass and connemara skies"
october
"for He Himself is our peace
who has made both one
and has broken down the middle wall of separation"
november
"so I gaze and I now know why
it is good to live -- and to die...
trees and the infinite sky"
december
WINTER BREAK BOOYAH! it's been fantastic. I got to see the nutcracker with some awesome friends (like my BBBFF paige (yeah, it's complicated)), applied for several scholarships, spent some great time with my family totally unstressed about homework, got accepted into the honors program (yayayayayay), saw 'the importance of being earnest' again; overall, I have had a very relaxing, peaceful time and I'm feeling ready for whatever comes next.
which I'm guessing is, like, 2015. har har.
life, I guess, is like that.
january
jess and I took a trip with our friend elizabeth up to notre dame to see coriolanus. looking back over my posts from january, I somehow managed to avoid mentioning this (???) -- but we did. it was a fabulous trip: driving for hours, listening to maroon 5 and boys like girls, discussing power couples. and then, of course, seeing a beautiful, intense conglomeration of shakespeare, tom hiddleston, hadley fraser, and mark gatiss (giving rise to the coriofidius hadderston power couple. corio-fidius. get it?). it was amazing, and pretty much made my year, although it broke my heart in the process.
february
I got all my art applications and portfolio and essays finished and submitted. it felt like a huge accomplishment, and it helped me learn a lot about not-immediate gratification. ...it was good preparation for college. ha.
 |
| remember this? |
"thousand-eared night repeats that cry
across the sea shining between us"
april
"only the actions of the just
smell sweet, and blossom in their dust"
may
four words: phantom. of. the opera. two more words: ben. jacoby. (see picture below.) this was another highlight -- I finally got to see phantom live. ...WOW. wow. you know how they have those iconic posters, like, "when was your first time?" well, I'd laughed at those because I couldn't remember hearing the music for the first time; "heck, I've grown up on phantom! pshh" and then had to utterly about-face when I saw it. live theater is so different from everything else. their voices were gorgeous. the set was incredible. and it was absolutely beautiful. I will never forget my first time.
 |
| this is my sister, not me. jess; you know, the one who saw phantom only two months later. on broadway. with norm lewis and sierra. yes, that one. I can't believe I let her live this long. |
so I have this theory that when you turn 13, yeah, you're technically a teenager, but you're not a teenager until really 14. I have the same feeling, opposite-ly, for 19: you're technically a teenager, but you're not really a teenager. I turned not-really-a-teenager this year. the responsibility is a little overwhelming. and now that I'm past the halfway mark, dude, I'm almost 20.
WHAT
july
kelsey and I spent a lovely almost-two-weeks together at the beginning of july. this was possibly my best summer ever -- finally seeing my beautiful friend again and getting to catch up face-to-face was such a wonderful experience. it was so relaxing and a great way to prep for my upcoming first semester of college. (also I started calligraphy this month, so that's another milestone x) )
 |
| I mustache you for a pen. |
college. what else can I say? it was crazy and overwhelming, but I love it. I'm so excited for the spring semester, to tell the truth!
september
"gay bells or sad, they bring you memories
of half-forgotten, innocent old places;
we and our bitterness have left no traces
on munster grass and connemara skies"
october
"for He Himself is our peace
who has made both one
and has broken down the middle wall of separation"
november
"so I gaze and I now know why
it is good to live -- and to die...
trees and the infinite sky"
 |
| (c) little lotte photography. ha ha. |
WINTER BREAK BOOYAH! it's been fantastic. I got to see the nutcracker with some awesome friends (like my BBBFF paige (yeah, it's complicated)), applied for several scholarships, spent some great time with my family totally unstressed about homework, got accepted into the honors program (yayayayayay), saw 'the importance of being earnest' again; overall, I have had a very relaxing, peaceful time and I'm feeling ready for whatever comes next.
which I'm guessing is, like, 2015. har har.
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