(because 20 doesn't really count, to me. it's like orientation for the next decade and doesn't do too much.) I'M OFFICIALLY ...growing ...up ...
2016 is basically done. I get real sappy at the end of every year I'm weird cause I hate goodbyes / got misty eyes as they said farewell, but frankly this is not a hard year to say goodbye to. it's easy to remember a lot of bummers and be all, "2016 sucked, man," but when I start thinking of everything lovely that also happened, that's when the sap starts to run. so I suppose it was a bittersweet year.
which, as maryrose wood interprets, means we should all go eat bittersweet chocolate, which "does nothing to unmix one's feelings, but it does serve as a tasty reminder that bittersweet is a perfectly good flavor and can be enjoyed on its own merits."
so what did 2016 teach me? (a slightly redundant list)
1 schedules are good.
2 it doesn't matter what people think.
like, get over yourself: they're not watching. they don't care. so stop acting like they're fans of Your Show, and/or stop worrying that anyone cares about you as much as you care about you. just live your life.
3 the 20s are crazy:
> emotionally. up, down, over, under, crazy high and everything's peachy, down in the depths of desponding despair for all the goodness in the world is gone. forever. oh look, a cookie! youth is overrated, and quite exhausting.
> life-wise. what to do?? how to get there?? HELLLPPP (see above).
> on the bright side...
to some degree, my emotions are fuel. my riotous joy or my utter depressive panic can sometimes motivate me to go do: am I stressed about how I'll ever get a dual citizenship, if I were to want one, and I don't know how to cope with all the adult responsibilities coming at me? I'll spend 15 minutes researching, realize it's not that big of a deal at all, really and calm myself.
-- and that's learning I won't need or have the energy for in 20 years, so it all evens out in the end.
4 learning is good.
don't worry about losing your smartest-person-in-the-room rep (see #2); that's just a burden that actually keeps you stupid. don't be afraid of things you don't know. ...that should really be its own point.
5 don't be afraid of things you don't know.
facing my fears, here, and pursuing knowledge (instead of just trying to hide my ignorance) has seriously taught me more this year than anything else. not just about those things: but about courage in humility. I'm learning to be humble, and that's more important.
(does saying that take away all my points? I'm not saying I'm there yet :))
6 ask for help.
see #s 2 and 4.
7 make a schedule.
oh, you've heard this before? yeah. I mean it.
a schedule : productivity as a budget : staying within a budget.
...?? so I suppose rather "a budget : spending your money well". like, it's up to you to stick to it, but the structure totally helps.
8 focus on real life.
it's so easy these days to get distracted and sidetracked by phones and laptops -- social media and texting and just the internet in general. don't start living a fake life to the detriment of your real. but more than that, books and music and really anything that you can get lost in... be careful with it. be balanced. (and remember: having 10,000 hours worth of experience with instagram will not get you a job the way 10,000 hours of wrestling with photoshop will. mm?)
9 try. harder.
I know I don't work hard enough. I'll do the minimum and convince myself it was exhausting -- but do I really need to break so early? no. just think: how much could I accomplish if I actually gave it work? if I stuck it out? more than I do when I quit at 3 pm because I "just don't get it" and "deserve an instagram break." (see #s 1, 4, 6, 8 and 7 for good measure.)
10 try new things.
11 disagree. (or, learning how to.)
2016 has taught me a lot about speaking for myself. not "up for myself" as much as being able to express my opinion. I hate when someone says "I love grape juice! don't you??" and I'm like, well, no, but how do I say that in the face of such enthusiasm? and I end up saying, "mm, heh heh, right," which always leaves me feeling guilty and silenced. (petty, yes. almost exclusive to me, yes. but let me have my small victories.) beyond that, I also am learning how to disagree when bigger issues come up. what if we disagree over how someone behaved? "wow, what a jerk" and I'm going "slay queen" -- can I express that opinion in a calm way that lets my opponent know it's not actually a war to be won? I've got it by no means nailed down, but I'm practicing.
12 you don't have to have it all figured out. but why not do your best?
super tired of the "can't adult today" and "I'm 30 and I don't have anything figured out lolol" memes over here. they used to be encouraging, but I've gotten sick of them. no, my childish idea that 'when I'm grown I'll understand it all' is completely inaccurate, but I can't make difficulty -- or the impossibility of perfection -- an excuse for willful ignorance. but maybe that's me adulting too hard? I should stop and -- WINE
13 be crazy & go for it.
why discourage myself without trying? what's the worst that could happen? (see #10)
14 deserve your responsibility.
it means I also deserve the reward for all the hard work (#s 9, 12, and 13). and it is so much more rewarding to rise to the occasion -- to earn something, instead of having it handed to me or going without.
15 do what's in front of you, here. now. stop fantasizing.
yeah, this one is tough, and relates to 8 and 14 in particular. I slack and get lazy and -- gosh, I daydream. I can spend 45 minutes in the morning literally lying in bed, thinking. not grand and high thoughts for the betterment of humanity, oh no, but wondering about playgrounds built in grownup scale and how amazing it would be to take a road trip along the alcan highway with all its attendant adventures and what's the most smashing outfit I could wear to the party on friday. that's 45 minutes and no playground built, you know? I've accomplished nothing. ...although I seriously had that playground thought last week and it won't go away. could I be on to something?
16 fantasizing does not equal dreaming!
this one is related to essentially all that comes before. I like to plan things so I can get it all done, but you can't live your life just getting things done: have an ultimate goal. multiple ultimate goals (like saying that 5 times fast). fantasizing is a pipe dream that wastes time. dreaming is only one step away from planning -- for me. that's where I'm learning to draw the line. could I, do I want to make this happen? if I do, go for it. worst-case, I fail, but at least I tried. if I'm not interested, I can't waste any more of this intoxicating decade of irresponsibility (JUST KIDDING REMEMBER #12) imagining impossibilities all theoretically and ish.
nah, I don't have it all figured out, but I'm trying to sort through my life and at least do what I can to understand it. 2016 was rough in some of those cases, because growing is never painless; but trials "yield the peaceable fruits of righteousness" and I've definitely learned a lot.
here's to 2017 and ever-higher ground.
